22 maart 2020 Open Hof Dordrecht met Martin Veerbeek

Live from our church.

Corona-virus church service without people. Theme: fear...

an attack on my intelligence

Recently, as in, the last two months, some people seem to question my intelligence. Last night I got the, I pray, last message, stating something obvious, since I've been told exactly the same, 4 times before, and I acknowledged and confirmed my agreement with it.

I wonder why people do that.
Okay, I don't speak my mind very often, and I don't have my ideas ready for everybody to shoot on. But that is no reason to assume that my intelligence needs repetition, certainly not that often. Especially since I reacted, and confirmed. It even was my idea in the first place.

Is it insecurity from people, to state the obvious yet another time? What could they be insecure about: me? the situation? themselves?
Is it distrust? Since I am new to them? Is it logic not to trust people who are new to you? Then again, it is insecurity, about me or themselves.

Why is insecurity such a killer? Why is there even the situation of being insecure? And as a result question everything else? How is that logic?
Okay, being insecure, leading to questioning yourself, that makes sense.
But, being insecure, and therefore questioning everybody and everything else... makes no sense.

So it must be a masking move.
Questioning everything, but oneself, masks the fact that one is insecure. The attention goes to the thing or person being questioned, making that the centre of attention, deflecting from oneself.

But why would you do that? It doesn't make the situation clear, it doesn't resolve that insecurity, it doesn't answer your own questions. Frankly, it makes things worse. Since you are adding confusion and more insecurity. You get counter-questions, making something out of nothing, making it bigger.

Just confirming your insecurity, makes way more sense and helps you go on.
It will keep the confusion at bay. Because insecurity only contributes to confusion, in the way that others do not give you the answers you crave for, since you're working around the real problem. Others will in turn question your sanity, since you keep on stating the obvious, bringing the same statements forward, or asking the same questions. Adding to the confusion. We do not need more confusion in this world, among people who mean well.
Confirming your insecurity, to your self and others, is way more easy in that sense.
Next to the fact that other people don't go question you, or themselves, or the situation, in return.
And it is a lot more fair. To others, the situations your are in, and to yourself. Life would be much more relaxed if people are 'just' honest to themselves. It makes them turn for the better. It makes people be honest to others and to life itself.

This attack on my intelligence was a learning curve for me:
I started off being angry, disappointed, that people I trusted were indirect telling me that I am stupid, can't even understand a simple statement, so that it better be repeated 5 times.
Next I slept over it.
Then I of course threw the angriness out of the window, it virtually NEVER tributes to the situation to become angry.
I asked myself why they would do that, and started writing this blog. I made up my mind during reasoning and writing, as I often do, and indeed: I found out it only can be insecurity from the other side.

So, I stated the other obvious: that I was told the same 5 times now; and answered the message that attacked my intelligence with a question: What is wrong?

Now I am curious what the answer will be...
- maybe to be continued -

Writing is my thing, among others

...

So, to be honest: I know there are people in this world that really like what I write, once in a while. There are people who find comfort in my life, my opinions or my stories. Probably the same as I benefit from the writings others jot down. Occasionally.

So, again, why don't I write more, for others.
What to write about? My life? My knowledge? My opinions?
Blogs for instance. To let others pick my brain while I'm not even around.
Or a book. To let others pick my brain even more.

When I wrote just spontaneously about anything that popped up in my mind and soul, people loved it most, and could even learn or benefit from it.
No strategy. No plan.

So I better continue that writing style.

On the other hand: why on Earth do I even want to write for others? Why do I even have the urge to ALWAYS come back to this place to throw around some words, right into the world? With no idea where those words will fly or land...
I suppose it is because I do benefit myself, from my own writing. I need it somehow. Not for others, just for me. How strange is it, that I don't write down stuff in some sort of diary, that I can't even stand that... It's so bad that I can not even persevere writing a journal, not even when I HAVE to...
Then why on that same freakin' Earth do I feel the pull of this medium 'writing'?
I somehow need it.

I love to do so many things! I need to do so many things. To just feel alive. I am even able to do so many things!
All of which don't need as much thought as writing, or as many silences... Silence. So rare.
I thrive on thinking.
I can not find silence.

Maybe that's it.

- probably to be continued too -

Belief system...

My life is a reflection of my belief system.

Because what I believe is true for me. So whatever I believe of the stuff that people say or tell me, doesn't say anything about what they told me, and it doesn't say anything about those people. It says everything about me.

What I believe I see in nature, is true for me.
What I believe I see in people, is true for me.
What I believe I feel for people, is true for me.
What I believe I feel in my soul, is true for me.

Whatever I feel in my soul, is the ground for how I react.
What I know is based on what I believe, from people, nature, you, myself, God.

How I react to nature and other people depends on what I believe.
So how I react to life, is a direct reflection of what I feel and know.

My life is a reflection of my belief system.
My attitude towards life flows out of my belief system.
When it doesn't fit in my belief system, it's not true for me.
The way I see the world, the way I see life, is embedded in what I believe.

What is true for me, is what I believe.
Without what I believe, there is no truth for me.

My instincts grow out of my truth.
My initial thoughts flow out of my beliefs.

My beliefs dictate my choices.
My belief system dictates my life.

My conscience has a grip on my life.
However it feels. Even when life made it suffer so it instincively fails. Even when life made it grow so it initially succeeds.

Failing-conscience? My belief system has to work hard to make it happen in life. Making me hesitant.
Succes-conscience? My belief system supports it in life. Making me strong.

My state of mind creates my life.
It will be created in my words/I create what I speak = abracadabra
My words have power over me.
My words have power.

Whenever I don't know what to do, or feel, or say, or think, or live, or believe, I need to find my instinct.
Find my truth.
Claim my own story

Because my words have power.

Writing is my thing. Why isn't blogging?

Once in a while I come back to this place.
Once in a while I ask myself:
why do people read blogs?
do people read blogs?

And the always following questions:
why do people write blogs?
why don't I write blogs? Regularly, that is.

People do read blogs to learn something. Usually something they already know. Maybe because it is sort of a reminder?
People read blogs to get to follow the journey of somebody else. The same as the youth is watching all kinds of stupid vlogs to see others do the crazy stupid things they thought were too out of the box for themselves.
So people read and watch other's people's lives and forget to live themselves.
Like a song that hooked in me: about dreaming your life away.

So I guess people write blogs because they want to show 'the world' that they are living life to the max. To show that they are not wasting their lives watching other's people's lives unfold.

Today I watched (yeah) some motivational speaker, telling about the good thing of writing stuff down, to get to grips with it.
Of course this was, again, something I already knew. Because my shrinks told me exactly the same some years ago. Back then it was because they called it a burn-out.
Now I know, with me, it is a bore-out.

I don't write blogs, because I don't think others can even remotely benefit from the rabbit trails of my mind. Or others can learn from me. Or want to know what is happening in my life. The ones that do want to know what is in my life, are usually pretty close to me. We do communicate. Yeah. In real life! Often face to face, even!

Isn't that strange...
I love writing! Why, I wonder...


- probably to be continued -