Sunday, March 22, 2020
22 maart 2020 Open Hof Dordrecht met Martin Veerbeek
Live from our church.
Corona-virus church service without people. Theme: fear...
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
an attack on my intelligence
Recently, as in, the last two months, some people seem to question my intelligence. Last night I got the, I pray, last message, stating something obvious, since I've been told exactly the same, 4 times before, and I acknowledged and confirmed my agreement with it.
I wonder why people do that.
Okay, I don't speak my mind very often, and I don't have my ideas ready for everybody to shoot on. But that is no reason to assume that my intelligence needs repetition, certainly not that often. Especially since I reacted, and confirmed. It even was my idea in the first place.
Is it insecurity from people, to state the obvious yet another time? What could they be insecure about: me? the situation? themselves?
Is it distrust? Since I am new to them? Is it logic not to trust people who are new to you? Then again, it is insecurity, about me or themselves.
Why is insecurity such a killer? Why is there even the situation of being insecure? And as a result question everything else? How is that logic?
Okay, being insecure, leading to questioning yourself, that makes sense.
But, being insecure, and therefore questioning everybody and everything else... makes no sense.
So it must be a masking move.
Questioning everything, but oneself, masks the fact that one is insecure. The attention goes to the thing or person being questioned, making that the centre of attention, deflecting from oneself.
But why would you do that? It doesn't make the situation clear, it doesn't resolve that insecurity, it doesn't answer your own questions. Frankly, it makes things worse. Since you are adding confusion and more insecurity. You get counter-questions, making something out of nothing, making it bigger.
Just confirming your insecurity, makes way more sense and helps you go on.
It will keep the confusion at bay. Because insecurity only contributes to confusion, in the way that others do not give you the answers you crave for, since you're working around the real problem. Others will in turn question your sanity, since you keep on stating the obvious, bringing the same statements forward, or asking the same questions. Adding to the confusion. We do not need more confusion in this world, among people who mean well.
Confirming your insecurity, to your self and others, is way more easy in that sense.
Next to the fact that other people don't go question you, or themselves, or the situation, in return.
And it is a lot more fair. To others, the situations your are in, and to yourself. Life would be much more relaxed if people are 'just' honest to themselves. It makes them turn for the better. It makes people be honest to others and to life itself.
This attack on my intelligence was a learning curve for me:
I started off being angry, disappointed, that people I trusted were indirect telling me that I am stupid, can't even understand a simple statement, so that it better be repeated 5 times.
Next I slept over it.
Then I of course threw the angriness out of the window, it virtually NEVER tributes to the situation to become angry.
I asked myself why they would do that, and started writing this blog. I made up my mind during reasoning and writing, as I often do, and indeed: I found out it only can be insecurity from the other side.
So, I stated the other obvious: that I was told the same 5 times now; and answered the message that attacked my intelligence with a question: What is wrong?
Now I am curious what the answer will be...
- maybe to be continued -
I wonder why people do that.
Okay, I don't speak my mind very often, and I don't have my ideas ready for everybody to shoot on. But that is no reason to assume that my intelligence needs repetition, certainly not that often. Especially since I reacted, and confirmed. It even was my idea in the first place.
Is it insecurity from people, to state the obvious yet another time? What could they be insecure about: me? the situation? themselves?
Is it distrust? Since I am new to them? Is it logic not to trust people who are new to you? Then again, it is insecurity, about me or themselves.
Why is insecurity such a killer? Why is there even the situation of being insecure? And as a result question everything else? How is that logic?
Okay, being insecure, leading to questioning yourself, that makes sense.
But, being insecure, and therefore questioning everybody and everything else... makes no sense.
So it must be a masking move.
Questioning everything, but oneself, masks the fact that one is insecure. The attention goes to the thing or person being questioned, making that the centre of attention, deflecting from oneself.
But why would you do that? It doesn't make the situation clear, it doesn't resolve that insecurity, it doesn't answer your own questions. Frankly, it makes things worse. Since you are adding confusion and more insecurity. You get counter-questions, making something out of nothing, making it bigger.
Just confirming your insecurity, makes way more sense and helps you go on.
It will keep the confusion at bay. Because insecurity only contributes to confusion, in the way that others do not give you the answers you crave for, since you're working around the real problem. Others will in turn question your sanity, since you keep on stating the obvious, bringing the same statements forward, or asking the same questions. Adding to the confusion. We do not need more confusion in this world, among people who mean well.
Confirming your insecurity, to your self and others, is way more easy in that sense.
Next to the fact that other people don't go question you, or themselves, or the situation, in return.
And it is a lot more fair. To others, the situations your are in, and to yourself. Life would be much more relaxed if people are 'just' honest to themselves. It makes them turn for the better. It makes people be honest to others and to life itself.
This attack on my intelligence was a learning curve for me:
I started off being angry, disappointed, that people I trusted were indirect telling me that I am stupid, can't even understand a simple statement, so that it better be repeated 5 times.
Next I slept over it.
Then I of course threw the angriness out of the window, it virtually NEVER tributes to the situation to become angry.
I asked myself why they would do that, and started writing this blog. I made up my mind during reasoning and writing, as I often do, and indeed: I found out it only can be insecurity from the other side.
So, I stated the other obvious: that I was told the same 5 times now; and answered the message that attacked my intelligence with a question: What is wrong?
Now I am curious what the answer will be...
- maybe to be continued -
Friday, March 22, 2019
Writing is my thing, among others
...
So, to be honest: I know there are people in this world that really like what I write, once in a while. There are people who find comfort in my life, my opinions or my stories. Probably the same as I benefit from the writings others jot down. Occasionally.
So, again, why don't I write more, for others.
What to write about? My life? My knowledge? My opinions?
Blogs for instance. To let others pick my brain while I'm not even around.
Or a book. To let others pick my brain even more.
When I wrote just spontaneously about anything that popped up in my mind and soul, people loved it most, and could even learn or benefit from it.
No strategy. No plan.
So I better continue that writing style.
On the other hand: why on Earth do I even want to write for others? Why do I even have the urge to ALWAYS come back to this place to throw around some words, right into the world? With no idea where those words will fly or land...
I suppose it is because I do benefit myself, from my own writing. I need it somehow. Not for others, just for me. How strange is it, that I don't write down stuff in some sort of diary, that I can't even stand that... It's so bad that I can not even persevere writing a journal, not even when I HAVE to...
Then why on that same freakin' Earth do I feel the pull of this medium 'writing'?
I somehow need it.
I love to do so many things! I need to do so many things. To just feel alive. I am even able to do so many things!
All of which don't need as much thought as writing, or as many silences... Silence. So rare.
I thrive on thinking.
I can not find silence.
Maybe that's it.
- probably to be continued too -
So, to be honest: I know there are people in this world that really like what I write, once in a while. There are people who find comfort in my life, my opinions or my stories. Probably the same as I benefit from the writings others jot down. Occasionally.
So, again, why don't I write more, for others.
What to write about? My life? My knowledge? My opinions?
Blogs for instance. To let others pick my brain while I'm not even around.
Or a book. To let others pick my brain even more.
When I wrote just spontaneously about anything that popped up in my mind and soul, people loved it most, and could even learn or benefit from it.
No strategy. No plan.
So I better continue that writing style.
On the other hand: why on Earth do I even want to write for others? Why do I even have the urge to ALWAYS come back to this place to throw around some words, right into the world? With no idea where those words will fly or land...
I suppose it is because I do benefit myself, from my own writing. I need it somehow. Not for others, just for me. How strange is it, that I don't write down stuff in some sort of diary, that I can't even stand that... It's so bad that I can not even persevere writing a journal, not even when I HAVE to...
Then why on that same freakin' Earth do I feel the pull of this medium 'writing'?
I somehow need it.
I love to do so many things! I need to do so many things. To just feel alive. I am even able to do so many things!
All of which don't need as much thought as writing, or as many silences... Silence. So rare.
I thrive on thinking.
I can not find silence.
Maybe that's it.
- probably to be continued too -
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Belief system...
My life is a reflection of my belief system.
Because what I believe is true for me. So whatever I believe of the stuff that people say or tell me, doesn't say anything about what they told me, and it doesn't say anything about those people. It says everything about me.
What I believe I see in nature, is true for me.
What I believe I see in people, is true for me.
What I believe I feel for people, is true for me.
What I believe I feel in my soul, is true for me.
Whatever I feel in my soul, is the ground for how I react.
What I know is based on what I believe, from people, nature, you, myself, God.
How I react to nature and other people depends on what I believe.
So how I react to life, is a direct reflection of what I feel and know.
My life is a reflection of my belief system.
My attitude towards life flows out of my belief system.
When it doesn't fit in my belief system, it's not true for me.
The way I see the world, the way I see life, is embedded in what I believe.
What is true for me, is what I believe.
Without what I believe, there is no truth for me.
My instincts grow out of my truth.
My initial thoughts flow out of my beliefs.
My beliefs dictate my choices.
My belief system dictates my life.
My conscience has a grip on my life.
However it feels. Even when life made it suffer so it instincively fails. Even when life made it grow so it initially succeeds.
Failing-conscience? My belief system has to work hard to make it happen in life. Making me hesitant.
Succes-conscience? My belief system supports it in life. Making me strong.
My state of mind creates my life.
It will be created in my words/I create what I speak = abracadabra
My words have power over me.
My words have power.
Whenever I don't know what to do, or feel, or say, or think, or live, or believe, I need to find my instinct.
Find my truth.
Claim my own story
Because my words have power.
Because what I believe is true for me. So whatever I believe of the stuff that people say or tell me, doesn't say anything about what they told me, and it doesn't say anything about those people. It says everything about me.
What I believe I see in nature, is true for me.
What I believe I see in people, is true for me.
What I believe I feel for people, is true for me.
What I believe I feel in my soul, is true for me.
Whatever I feel in my soul, is the ground for how I react.
What I know is based on what I believe, from people, nature, you, myself, God.
How I react to nature and other people depends on what I believe.
So how I react to life, is a direct reflection of what I feel and know.
My life is a reflection of my belief system.
My attitude towards life flows out of my belief system.
When it doesn't fit in my belief system, it's not true for me.
The way I see the world, the way I see life, is embedded in what I believe.
What is true for me, is what I believe.
Without what I believe, there is no truth for me.
My instincts grow out of my truth.
My initial thoughts flow out of my beliefs.
My beliefs dictate my choices.
My belief system dictates my life.
My conscience has a grip on my life.
However it feels. Even when life made it suffer so it instincively fails. Even when life made it grow so it initially succeeds.
Failing-conscience? My belief system has to work hard to make it happen in life. Making me hesitant.
Succes-conscience? My belief system supports it in life. Making me strong.
My state of mind creates my life.
It will be created in my words/I create what I speak = abracadabra
My words have power over me.
My words have power.
Whenever I don't know what to do, or feel, or say, or think, or live, or believe, I need to find my instinct.
Find my truth.
Claim my own story
Because my words have power.
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Writing is my thing. Why isn't blogging?
Once in a while I come back to this place.
Once in a while I ask myself:
why do people read blogs?
do people read blogs?
And the always following questions:
why do people write blogs?
why don't I write blogs? Regularly, that is.
People do read blogs to learn something. Usually something they already know. Maybe because it is sort of a reminder?
People read blogs to get to follow the journey of somebody else. The same as the youth is watching all kinds of stupid vlogs to see others do the crazy stupid things they thought were too out of the box for themselves.
So people read and watch other's people's lives and forget to live themselves.
Like a song that hooked in me: about dreaming your life away.
So I guess people write blogs because they want to show 'the world' that they are living life to the max. To show that they are not wasting their lives watching other's people's lives unfold.
Today I watched (yeah) some motivational speaker, telling about the good thing of writing stuff down, to get to grips with it.
Of course this was, again, something I already knew. Because my shrinks told me exactly the same some years ago. Back then it was because they called it a burn-out.
Now I know, with me, it is a bore-out.
I don't write blogs, because I don't think others can even remotely benefit from the rabbit trails of my mind. Or others can learn from me. Or want to know what is happening in my life. The ones that do want to know what is in my life, are usually pretty close to me. We do communicate. Yeah. In real life! Often face to face, even!
Isn't that strange...
I love writing! Why, I wonder...
- probably to be continued -
Once in a while I ask myself:
why do people read blogs?
do people read blogs?
And the always following questions:
why do people write blogs?
why don't I write blogs? Regularly, that is.
People do read blogs to learn something. Usually something they already know. Maybe because it is sort of a reminder?
People read blogs to get to follow the journey of somebody else. The same as the youth is watching all kinds of stupid vlogs to see others do the crazy stupid things they thought were too out of the box for themselves.
So people read and watch other's people's lives and forget to live themselves.
Like a song that hooked in me: about dreaming your life away.
So I guess people write blogs because they want to show 'the world' that they are living life to the max. To show that they are not wasting their lives watching other's people's lives unfold.
Today I watched (yeah) some motivational speaker, telling about the good thing of writing stuff down, to get to grips with it.
Of course this was, again, something I already knew. Because my shrinks told me exactly the same some years ago. Back then it was because they called it a burn-out.
Now I know, with me, it is a bore-out.
I don't write blogs, because I don't think others can even remotely benefit from the rabbit trails of my mind. Or others can learn from me. Or want to know what is happening in my life. The ones that do want to know what is in my life, are usually pretty close to me. We do communicate. Yeah. In real life! Often face to face, even!
Isn't that strange...
I love writing! Why, I wonder...
- probably to be continued -
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
robby mcalpine blogs here: Missional Blueprint
Check it out: our friend from Canada speaking about christianity, church, mission, life and what else comes to table:
robby mcalpine blogs here: Missional Blueprint: Recently, I've been reading Bob Logan's Missional Journey , which is one of those books that you really want to recommend because ...
robby mcalpine blogs here: Missional Blueprint: Recently, I've been reading Bob Logan's Missional Journey , which is one of those books that you really want to recommend because ...
robby mcalpine blogs here: Missional Blueprint
Check it out: our friend from Canada speaking about christianity, church, mission, life and what else comes to table:
robby mcalpine blogs here: Missional Blueprint: Recently, I've been reading Bob Logan's Missional Journey , which is one of those books that you really want to recommend because ...
robby mcalpine blogs here: Missional Blueprint: Recently, I've been reading Bob Logan's Missional Journey , which is one of those books that you really want to recommend because ...
Friday, May 30, 2014
Coquinaria: culinaire geschiedenis in onderzoek en praktijk
Dit blijf ik leuk vinden!!
Leuk onderzoek en nog leuker uitproberen ;)
Coquinaria: culinaire geschiedenis in onderzoek en praktijk
Leuk onderzoek en nog leuker uitproberen ;)
Coquinaria: culinaire geschiedenis in onderzoek en praktijk
Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
REBLOG: Verhalen van een politieagent: Op het nippertje......
Verhalen van een politieagent: Op het nippertje......: Wat veel burgers niet weten, is dat de politie ontheffing (vrijstelling) heeft voor de verkeersregels, zoals omschreven in het Reglement V...
Monday, March 24, 2014
A dear friend wrote this: always react: How a Psoriasis Taught Me that I am Beautiful.
always react: How a Psoriasis Taught Me that I am Beautiful.: The subsequent ramblings that you are about to read are the outcome of my realization that I am technically lumped into the group of traditi...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Sunday, June 02, 2013
The Fourth Musketeer, is a woman.
Today I read an article that turned my world upside down, again. Making me pissed, to be shoved into that tiny little space again that 'they' invented for women. To take care, make your man happy, be beautiful and dumb, and especially to 'stay put'.
It stated "play, hunt and fight, manual that comes with the man". And "let the man (grunt) go on his mountainbike, run, fish, make love, show off his gadgets, cheer during a football-game, laugh out loud with his friends."
And it gives us, wives, the advice to "'secretly' terminate some subscriptions or 'loose' the remote" and "invest in my own attractiveness" with 'dress beautifully' "
WTF!?!?
My gosh, is it starting again?
Generalization until we drop dead?
From playing someone we are not?
When do we FINALLY realize that people are unique human beings? Every individual is what the word says: an individual.
No generalizations there.
There are no rules to which a man should keep himself, in order to be 'a man'.
There are no rules either to which a woman should keep herself, in order to be 'a woman'.
It's just nature. Physics. Biology, so you will.
Not? Cool, let's make some 'rules for being a good mom', 'regulations on how to be the best lawnmower', 'facts to incorporate for being the one and only grandpa', '10 selfhelp rules for becoming the churchmember you've always wanted to be'.
Oh. I'm sorry. Those rules do exist already.
Of course I did read what people said who were attending those particular events I referred to. I couldn't finish that whole article, bad for my heart... But of course I got the scope of it: They grew in personality. They discovered that they never grew up. Great! Saves lots of shrink costs, and this is WAY more fun, duh! I'm happy for them. That's not the point.
It's getting thrown on yet another pile of generalization. The things mentioned in that article (or some) are the things my hubby loves, those are the things I love, and things my dearest friends (yes, girls) love, and our daughters love, and our son. But not the husband of one of my friends. No freakin' way! No shower in the morning? Sweating while crossing a wet stream? Not for him! Never!
So who is the real man here? He is definitely a real man too!
Nobody asked my husband if he wanted something like that: new rules to 'find himself'. He invented things he loves all by himself! Gosh! Is thát a man, or what! He did grow up.
Walking through Scotland, with friends, or by himself. For some weeks, yes, seeing only nature, yes, meeting himself, yes, going to the core of life, yes.
It's also 'nature' that life got in the way, job, wife, kids, house, time travel still doesn't exist.
Nobody asked me if I wanted something with pink flowers, red hearts, taking care of other's kids, sitting around, drinking tea, chatting about nothing, shopping, purple dots, doing laundry, cleaning the house, playing manager to the house, playing taxidriver for the kids... gosh, I can make this as long as my hubby can make his...! And still time travel doesn't exist and no, we don't have Hermione's timetravelthingy to do all the stuff within the appropriate 24 hours.
Maybe that is the reason that LARP exists... giving us the chance to run around in crazy suits, hunt for eachother, fight eachother, drink with eachother and laugh a lot!
How do I long for a good bootcamp, some hands on work like cutting little trees down to make a shelter, invent some traps to catch food, cross a stream to get to those healthy berries and roots overthere. I would love to do some sweating while trying to run up a hill with my little family, just to conquer it. Or take it from our friends in a fierce battle. And make a big bonfire to celebrate friendship afterwards. With meat and mead. :-)
Oh. Isn't that a feminine thing to do?
Shouldn't I like what I like? Shouldn't my lifelong partner like what he likes? Shouldn't we like the same stuff? Just because others don't?
Who is the crazy one here!!?!
Statistics in my own environment tell me that the Fourth Musketeer, is a woman!
And the world better accept that.
Otherwise we'll have a fight about it... :-p
It stated "play, hunt and fight, manual that comes with the man". And "let the man (grunt) go on his mountainbike, run, fish, make love, show off his gadgets, cheer during a football-game, laugh out loud with his friends."
And it gives us, wives, the advice to "'secretly' terminate some subscriptions or 'loose' the remote" and "invest in my own attractiveness" with 'dress beautifully' "
WTF!?!?
My gosh, is it starting again?
Generalization until we drop dead?
From playing someone we are not?
When do we FINALLY realize that people are unique human beings? Every individual is what the word says: an individual.
No generalizations there.
There are no rules to which a man should keep himself, in order to be 'a man'.
There are no rules either to which a woman should keep herself, in order to be 'a woman'.
It's just nature. Physics. Biology, so you will.
Not? Cool, let's make some 'rules for being a good mom', 'regulations on how to be the best lawnmower', 'facts to incorporate for being the one and only grandpa', '10 selfhelp rules for becoming the churchmember you've always wanted to be'.
Oh. I'm sorry. Those rules do exist already.
Of course I did read what people said who were attending those particular events I referred to. I couldn't finish that whole article, bad for my heart... But of course I got the scope of it: They grew in personality. They discovered that they never grew up. Great! Saves lots of shrink costs, and this is WAY more fun, duh! I'm happy for them. That's not the point.
It's getting thrown on yet another pile of generalization. The things mentioned in that article (or some) are the things my hubby loves, those are the things I love, and things my dearest friends (yes, girls) love, and our daughters love, and our son. But not the husband of one of my friends. No freakin' way! No shower in the morning? Sweating while crossing a wet stream? Not for him! Never!
So who is the real man here? He is definitely a real man too!
Nobody asked my husband if he wanted something like that: new rules to 'find himself'. He invented things he loves all by himself! Gosh! Is thát a man, or what! He did grow up.
Walking through Scotland, with friends, or by himself. For some weeks, yes, seeing only nature, yes, meeting himself, yes, going to the core of life, yes.
It's also 'nature' that life got in the way, job, wife, kids, house, time travel still doesn't exist.
Nobody asked me if I wanted something with pink flowers, red hearts, taking care of other's kids, sitting around, drinking tea, chatting about nothing, shopping, purple dots, doing laundry, cleaning the house, playing manager to the house, playing taxidriver for the kids... gosh, I can make this as long as my hubby can make his...! And still time travel doesn't exist and no, we don't have Hermione's timetravelthingy to do all the stuff within the appropriate 24 hours.
Maybe that is the reason that LARP exists... giving us the chance to run around in crazy suits, hunt for eachother, fight eachother, drink with eachother and laugh a lot!
How do I long for a good bootcamp, some hands on work like cutting little trees down to make a shelter, invent some traps to catch food, cross a stream to get to those healthy berries and roots overthere. I would love to do some sweating while trying to run up a hill with my little family, just to conquer it. Or take it from our friends in a fierce battle. And make a big bonfire to celebrate friendship afterwards. With meat and mead. :-)
Oh. Isn't that a feminine thing to do?
Shouldn't I like what I like? Shouldn't my lifelong partner like what he likes? Shouldn't we like the same stuff? Just because others don't?
Who is the crazy one here!!?!
Statistics in my own environment tell me that the Fourth Musketeer, is a woman!
And the world better accept that.
Otherwise we'll have a fight about it... :-p
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Kelowna's most comprehensive News Source | Okanagan news | Kelowna News
Kelowna's most comprehensive News Source | Okanagan news | Kelowna News
My friend Wendy McAlpine in the News ;-)
just wanted to share
Have fun reading and looking through her pictures...
and don't hold back the oh's and ah's and wow's and whatever-you-say-or-do-when-you-are-amazed...
My friend Wendy McAlpine in the News ;-)
just wanted to share
Have fun reading and looking through her pictures...
and don't hold back the oh's and ah's and wow's and whatever-you-say-or-do-when-you-are-amazed...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Airbrushing, I started again... very cautious
One of the artforms I encountered in my life that caught me right the first time I tried, is airbrushing.
Although I got it sort of 'in my fingers', I am very perfectionist. So, stuff I'm setting up takes a lot of time before it is finished... in my opinion. I just want it to be very nice. I want to have it done in such a way that even I would love to buy it to hang on a prominent place on a wall of our livingroom.
Of course I don't accept from myself the flaws of the beginner, the rooky, the student.
So, once in a while I want to let my lute dangle in the trees and run of screaming. But usually, in fact, all the time, I come back the next week, to the workplace of my beloved teacher, to struggle again... getting things done the way I want it. A well. I will grow up one day. I think.
It caught my mind that I never, ever, finish something to the complete end of the tunnel. Figuratively speaking.
Somewhere during the second year of highschool, during my relaxed journey through the Gymnasium, (whistling, two fingers in the nose, you get the picture), something snapped. I crashed. In plain sight. Since then I never managed to get things finished. It started of course with just failing some exams, got on with failing too many exams, barely getting the papers I needed to graduate.
University got the best of me: I didn't get the exams done for the propaedeuse, but I shined in second year courses... Figure that. All the same with maths and physics and those kind of 'easy' subjects. Of course that wasn't enough to get any graduation, since one needs to finish that dreaded first year, the prop. Figures.
Job? Yeah right. Couldn't get my mind wrapped around doing/working on the same darn thing for more than 3 or 4 months every day.
Okay, I'm High Sensitive, now I know, but so what?! I guess doing something for a longer period of time just for some income, is not enough to survive.
Study again. I LOVE learning new stuff. It keeps me alive. But it would be nice to have something in my hands that sort of proves that I did it. And that I can do it. Once in a while that would be nice. But nooo. Every time I did hit some test or exam, I just blocked. Failed. Or just got the minimum. Not that I didn't know more, or could barely do whatever was needed. It just didn't come out when needed.
I still have the samen when people ask me things I do really know. I just block. Don't know how to say it, is the least problem. Usually I just don't know it anymore. After some hours, I exactly know it again. Even where it can be found, in what book, almost on what page.
Darn.
I don't know anymore where it started to come back a little. Some exams I did during a study theology, were downright brilliant (duh). The exams for the first course Kynology (yeah, about dogs) were also very good. (I skipped the exams for the second course: that was an oral exam. No chance I would find the words)
Now I'm working on some other exams, but this time there is no time-pressure. I am allowed to finish what I have to do (sewing, drawing fashion designs, embroidering) in peace. Of course when the exam is there, I have to finish some drawing, miniature making and sewing on the spot, but the assignments I have been working on, need just be displayed.
Of course, these days, since December, to be honest, I am fighting a burnout. So. No pressure allowed. At all. And I do fall into the habbit of drawing pressure to myself: I just have to do all different kinds of things, all at the same time, and all have to be perfect. I can't say 'no'.
It is so darn hard to crash and just keep on lying down.
Crashed.
I just need to come back on my feet myself!
I don't need help.
I don't want help.
I am ashamed that I can't do it myself.
It's SO hard to ask for help.
Especially when everybody else had the habbit to ask ME for help, the whole 30-many years of my life I helped others. Yeah, I am one of those pastor-helper-incarnate. I run alongside the ones who need me. Since birth.
This is going to take a little longer than the 6 months to a year they predicted as the 'usual' term to recover...
My 'shrink' and all the others who know, told my I am only allowed to do the things I like... So I told them that they don't want to know how many things I like, no even love to do... Then they told me I should only do the things that give me energy. So now I'm trying to figure that out.
I skipped work. I skipped meetings. I skipped volunteering for whatever. I skipped sundayservices in our church. I skipped art. I skipped music.
Now I feel dead.
At least I feel. That's new...
So I started music again: playing saxophone! (our youngest daughter just started to play the trumpet, so I play along ;) )
And I started art again: airbrushing! (today!)
And I will start singing again: lessons start in 3 weeks!
Maybe I will start living again...
in some time...
a long time...
patience...
Although I got it sort of 'in my fingers', I am very perfectionist. So, stuff I'm setting up takes a lot of time before it is finished... in my opinion. I just want it to be very nice. I want to have it done in such a way that even I would love to buy it to hang on a prominent place on a wall of our livingroom.
Of course I don't accept from myself the flaws of the beginner, the rooky, the student.
So, once in a while I want to let my lute dangle in the trees and run of screaming. But usually, in fact, all the time, I come back the next week, to the workplace of my beloved teacher, to struggle again... getting things done the way I want it. A well. I will grow up one day. I think.
It caught my mind that I never, ever, finish something to the complete end of the tunnel. Figuratively speaking.
Somewhere during the second year of highschool, during my relaxed journey through the Gymnasium, (whistling, two fingers in the nose, you get the picture), something snapped. I crashed. In plain sight. Since then I never managed to get things finished. It started of course with just failing some exams, got on with failing too many exams, barely getting the papers I needed to graduate.
University got the best of me: I didn't get the exams done for the propaedeuse, but I shined in second year courses... Figure that. All the same with maths and physics and those kind of 'easy' subjects. Of course that wasn't enough to get any graduation, since one needs to finish that dreaded first year, the prop. Figures.
Job? Yeah right. Couldn't get my mind wrapped around doing/working on the same darn thing for more than 3 or 4 months every day.
Okay, I'm High Sensitive, now I know, but so what?! I guess doing something for a longer period of time just for some income, is not enough to survive.
Study again. I LOVE learning new stuff. It keeps me alive. But it would be nice to have something in my hands that sort of proves that I did it. And that I can do it. Once in a while that would be nice. But nooo. Every time I did hit some test or exam, I just blocked. Failed. Or just got the minimum. Not that I didn't know more, or could barely do whatever was needed. It just didn't come out when needed.
I still have the samen when people ask me things I do really know. I just block. Don't know how to say it, is the least problem. Usually I just don't know it anymore. After some hours, I exactly know it again. Even where it can be found, in what book, almost on what page.
Darn.
I don't know anymore where it started to come back a little. Some exams I did during a study theology, were downright brilliant (duh). The exams for the first course Kynology (yeah, about dogs) were also very good. (I skipped the exams for the second course: that was an oral exam. No chance I would find the words)
Now I'm working on some other exams, but this time there is no time-pressure. I am allowed to finish what I have to do (sewing, drawing fashion designs, embroidering) in peace. Of course when the exam is there, I have to finish some drawing, miniature making and sewing on the spot, but the assignments I have been working on, need just be displayed.
Of course, these days, since December, to be honest, I am fighting a burnout. So. No pressure allowed. At all. And I do fall into the habbit of drawing pressure to myself: I just have to do all different kinds of things, all at the same time, and all have to be perfect. I can't say 'no'.
It is so darn hard to crash and just keep on lying down.
Crashed.
 |
| Friesians, by Cally Matherly, 2005 |
I don't need help.
I don't want help.
I am ashamed that I can't do it myself.
It's SO hard to ask for help.
Especially when everybody else had the habbit to ask ME for help, the whole 30-many years of my life I helped others. Yeah, I am one of those pastor-helper-incarnate. I run alongside the ones who need me. Since birth.
This is going to take a little longer than the 6 months to a year they predicted as the 'usual' term to recover...
My 'shrink' and all the others who know, told my I am only allowed to do the things I like... So I told them that they don't want to know how many things I like, no even love to do... Then they told me I should only do the things that give me energy. So now I'm trying to figure that out.
I skipped work. I skipped meetings. I skipped volunteering for whatever. I skipped sundayservices in our church. I skipped art. I skipped music.
Now I feel dead.
At least I feel. That's new...
So I started music again: playing saxophone! (our youngest daughter just started to play the trumpet, so I play along ;) )
And I started art again: airbrushing! (today!)
And I will start singing again: lessons start in 3 weeks!
Maybe I will start living again...
in some time...
a long time...
patience...
Friday, April 19, 2013
It's been some time...
... a long time...
without writing
without living almost
just running around, organizing, do meetings, do stuff, do too much
attending schools, talking myself back into my old school to finish it, planning workshops, doing courses
racing the kids around their school, sports, music, friends
leaving the kitchen and lots of housholding to my husband...
that should have been a sign
but no.
So. Now I need to recover. And some friends who've been there and got the t-shirt, my coaches and my shrink tell me I need to write. Anything.
That rang a bell. I was always dreaming about writing. Books. Poems. Songs. Maybe this is a good way to start that dream up again. But like the old engine, I need lubrication first...
They tell me, it will pass, I will recover, but it will cost me, time...
... a long time...
They told me I will change...
for the good I pray
But give it some time...
... a long time...
without writing
without living almost
just running around, organizing, do meetings, do stuff, do too much
attending schools, talking myself back into my old school to finish it, planning workshops, doing courses
racing the kids around their school, sports, music, friends
leaving the kitchen and lots of housholding to my husband...
that should have been a sign
but no.
So. Now I need to recover. And some friends who've been there and got the t-shirt, my coaches and my shrink tell me I need to write. Anything.
That rang a bell. I was always dreaming about writing. Books. Poems. Songs. Maybe this is a good way to start that dream up again. But like the old engine, I need lubrication first...
They tell me, it will pass, I will recover, but it will cost me, time...
... a long time...
They told me I will change...
for the good I pray
But give it some time...
... a long time...
How I would love to do some more photographing...
I have dreams....
About all kinds of stuff...
people...
situations...
flying...
Occasionally there are dreams about me, hunting for pictures.
In the city. In nature. In homes. In public buildings.
Urban Exploring.
From objects. From animals. From people. From situations.
On the move.
All on my own.
Maybe with someone I love.
I would love to.
Once in a while I enter some sweepstakes to win a camera, with or without lenses or flashlights or whatever gear... (like this one: http://bit.ly/Yy93VY ), and in this last one, I would choose for the Nikon, of course, I can use a new body ... ... ...
Sounds 'funny', that last sentence...
Maybe I feel that way non the less. I can use a new body... a new spirit... a new me.
?
This old one is burned out.
But then again, the new needs to fit the gear that surrounds me. Like the Nikon-body needs to fit my lenses and other photo-stuff. Otherwise there's a misfit and I will get the constant pop-up: 'are you sure?', 'rebooting system', 'searching for new driver'...
and ultimately: 'fatal error occurred', with a 'need to restart'... Darn! Again?!
Is there a way to sort of restore the old?
Not to restart, but to freshly go on where I stranded?
Take off where I landed?
I don't fly that well without silver wings. So I stranded. Somewhere in some old cornfield or so. Lost.
Can I grow those silver wings?
Or can I believe again in flying... without those...
just on willpower...
on faith...
on love...
trusting in nature
in God
in people
in me
is that possible?
?
About all kinds of stuff...
people...
situations...
flying...
Occasionally there are dreams about me, hunting for pictures.
In the city. In nature. In homes. In public buildings.
Urban Exploring.
From objects. From animals. From people. From situations.
On the move.
All on my own.
Maybe with someone I love.
I would love to.
Once in a while I enter some sweepstakes to win a camera, with or without lenses or flashlights or whatever gear... (like this one: http://bit.ly/Yy93VY ), and in this last one, I would choose for the Nikon, of course, I can use a new body ... ... ...
Sounds 'funny', that last sentence...
Maybe I feel that way non the less. I can use a new body... a new spirit... a new me.
?
This old one is burned out.But then again, the new needs to fit the gear that surrounds me. Like the Nikon-body needs to fit my lenses and other photo-stuff. Otherwise there's a misfit and I will get the constant pop-up: 'are you sure?', 'rebooting system', 'searching for new driver'...
and ultimately: 'fatal error occurred', with a 'need to restart'... Darn! Again?!
Not to restart, but to freshly go on where I stranded?
Take off where I landed?
I don't fly that well without silver wings. So I stranded. Somewhere in some old cornfield or so. Lost.
Can I grow those silver wings?
Or can I believe again in flying... without those...
just on willpower...
on faith...
on love...
trusting in nature
in God
in people
in me
is that possible?
?
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The source of our Borsoi-love: breeder Marij Tuip, The Netherlands.
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