Although I got it sort of 'in my fingers', I am very perfectionist. So, stuff I'm setting up takes a lot of time before it is finished... in my opinion. I just want it to be very nice. I want to have it done in such a way that even I would love to buy it to hang on a prominent place on a wall of our livingroom.
Of course I don't accept from myself the flaws of the beginner, the rooky, the student.
So, once in a while I want to let my lute dangle in the trees and run of screaming. But usually, in fact, all the time, I come back the next week, to the workplace of my beloved teacher, to struggle again... getting things done the way I want it. A well. I will grow up one day. I think.
It caught my mind that I never, ever, finish something to the complete end of the tunnel. Figuratively speaking.
Somewhere during the second year of highschool, during my relaxed journey through the Gymnasium, (whistling, two fingers in the nose, you get the picture), something snapped. I crashed. In plain sight. Since then I never managed to get things finished. It started of course with just failing some exams, got on with failing too many exams, barely getting the papers I needed to graduate.
University got the best of me: I didn't get the exams done for the propaedeuse, but I shined in second year courses... Figure that. All the same with maths and physics and those kind of 'easy' subjects. Of course that wasn't enough to get any graduation, since one needs to finish that dreaded first year, the prop. Figures.
Job? Yeah right. Couldn't get my mind wrapped around doing/working on the same darn thing for more than 3 or 4 months every day.
Okay, I'm High Sensitive, now I know, but so what?! I guess doing something for a longer period of time just for some income, is not enough to survive.
Study again. I LOVE learning new stuff. It keeps me alive. But it would be nice to have something in my hands that sort of proves that I did it. And that I can do it. Once in a while that would be nice. But nooo. Every time I did hit some test or exam, I just blocked. Failed. Or just got the minimum. Not that I didn't know more, or could barely do whatever was needed. It just didn't come out when needed.
I still have the samen when people ask me things I do really know. I just block. Don't know how to say it, is the least problem. Usually I just don't know it anymore. After some hours, I exactly know it again. Even where it can be found, in what book, almost on what page.
Darn.
I don't know anymore where it started to come back a little. Some exams I did during a study theology, were downright brilliant (duh). The exams for the first course Kynology (yeah, about dogs) were also very good. (I skipped the exams for the second course: that was an oral exam. No chance I would find the words)
Now I'm working on some other exams, but this time there is no time-pressure. I am allowed to finish what I have to do (sewing, drawing fashion designs, embroidering) in peace. Of course when the exam is there, I have to finish some drawing, miniature making and sewing on the spot, but the assignments I have been working on, need just be displayed.
Of course, these days, since December, to be honest, I am fighting a burnout. So. No pressure allowed. At all. And I do fall into the habbit of drawing pressure to myself: I just have to do all different kinds of things, all at the same time, and all have to be perfect. I can't say 'no'.
It is so darn hard to crash and just keep on lying down.
Crashed.
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| Friesians, by Cally Matherly, 2005 |
I don't need help.
I don't want help.
I am ashamed that I can't do it myself.
It's SO hard to ask for help.
Especially when everybody else had the habbit to ask ME for help, the whole 30-many years of my life I helped others. Yeah, I am one of those pastor-helper-incarnate. I run alongside the ones who need me. Since birth.
This is going to take a little longer than the 6 months to a year they predicted as the 'usual' term to recover...
My 'shrink' and all the others who know, told my I am only allowed to do the things I like... So I told them that they don't want to know how many things I like, no even love to do... Then they told me I should only do the things that give me energy. So now I'm trying to figure that out.
I skipped work. I skipped meetings. I skipped volunteering for whatever. I skipped sundayservices in our church. I skipped art. I skipped music.
Now I feel dead.
At least I feel. That's new...
So I started music again: playing saxophone! (our youngest daughter just started to play the trumpet, so I play along ;) )
And I started art again: airbrushing! (today!)
And I will start singing again: lessons start in 3 weeks!
Maybe I will start living again...
in some time...
a long time...
patience...
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