The Fourth Musketeer, is a woman.

Today I read an article that turned my world upside down, again. Making me pissed, to be shoved into that tiny little space again that 'they' invented for women. To take care, make your man happy, be beautiful and dumb, and especially to 'stay put'.

It stated "play, hunt and fight, manual that comes with the man". And "let the man (grunt) go on his mountainbike, run, fish, make love, show off his gadgets, cheer during a football-game, laugh out loud with his friends."
And it gives us, wives, the advice to "'secretly' terminate some subscriptions or 'loose' the remote" and "invest in my own attractiveness" with 'dress beautifully' "
WTF!?!?

My gosh, is it starting again?
Generalization until we drop dead?
From playing someone we are not?

When do we FINALLY realize that people are unique human beings? Every individual is what the word says: an individual.
No generalizations there.
There are no rules to which a man should keep himself, in order to be 'a man'.
There are no rules either to which a woman should keep herself, in order to be 'a woman'.
It's just nature. Physics. Biology, so you will.

Not? Cool, let's make some 'rules for being a good mom', 'regulations on how to be the best lawnmower', 'facts to incorporate for being the one and only grandpa', '10 selfhelp rules for becoming the churchmember you've always wanted to be'.
Oh. I'm sorry. Those rules do exist already.

Of course I did read what people said who were attending those particular events I referred to. I couldn't finish that whole article, bad for my heart... But of course I got the scope of it: They grew in personality. They discovered that they never grew up. Great! Saves lots of shrink costs, and this is WAY more fun, duh! I'm happy for them. That's not the point.

It's getting thrown on yet another pile of generalization. The things mentioned in that article (or some) are the things my hubby loves, those are the things I love, and things my dearest friends (yes, girls) love, and our daughters love, and our son. But not the husband of one of my friends. No freakin' way! No shower in the morning? Sweating while crossing a wet stream? Not for him! Never!
So who is the real man here? He is definitely a real man too!


Nobody asked my husband if he wanted something like that: new rules to 'find himself'. He invented things he loves all by himself! Gosh! Is thát a man, or what! He did grow up.
Walking through Scotland, with friends, or by himself. For some weeks, yes, seeing only nature, yes, meeting himself, yes, going to the core of life, yes.
It's also 'nature' that life got in the way, job, wife, kids, house, time travel still doesn't exist.

Nobody asked me if I wanted something with pink flowers, red hearts, taking care of other's kids, sitting around, drinking tea, chatting about nothing, shopping, purple dots, doing laundry, cleaning the house, playing manager to the house, playing taxidriver for the kids... gosh, I can make this as long as my hubby can make his...! And still time travel doesn't exist and no, we don't have Hermione's timetravelthingy to do all the stuff within the appropriate 24 hours.


Maybe that is the reason that LARP exists... giving us the chance to run around in crazy suits, hunt for eachother, fight eachother, drink with eachother and laugh a lot!

How do I long for a good bootcamp, some hands on work like cutting little trees down to make a shelter, invent some traps to catch food, cross a stream to get to those healthy berries and roots overthere. I would love to do some sweating while trying to run up a hill with my little family, just to conquer it. Or take it from our friends in a fierce battle. And make a big bonfire to celebrate friendship afterwards. With meat and mead. :-)
Oh. Isn't that a feminine thing to do?

Shouldn't I like what I like? Shouldn't my lifelong partner like what he likes? Shouldn't we like the same stuff? Just because others don't?

Who is the crazy one here!!?!

Statistics in my own environment tell me that the Fourth Musketeer, is a woman!
And the world better accept that.
Otherwise we'll have a fight about it... :-p

Airbrushing, I started again... very cautious

One of the artforms I encountered in my life that caught me right the first time I tried, is airbrushing.
Although I got it sort of 'in my fingers', I am very perfectionist. So, stuff I'm setting up takes a lot of time before it is finished... in my opinion. I just want it to be very nice. I want to have it done in such a way that even I would love to buy it to hang on a prominent place on a wall of our livingroom.

Of course I don't accept from myself the flaws of the beginner, the rooky, the student.

So, once in a while I want to let my lute dangle in the trees and run of screaming. But usually, in fact, all the time, I come back the next week, to the workplace of my beloved teacher, to struggle again... getting things done the way I want it. A well. I will grow up one day. I think.

It caught my mind that I never, ever, finish something to the complete end of the tunnel. Figuratively speaking.
Somewhere during the second year of highschool, during my relaxed journey through the Gymnasium, (whistling, two fingers in the nose, you get the picture), something snapped. I crashed. In plain sight. Since then I never managed to get things finished. It started of course with just failing some exams, got on with failing too many exams, barely getting the papers I needed to graduate.
University got the best of me: I didn't get the exams done for the propaedeuse, but I shined in second year courses... Figure that. All the same with maths and physics and those kind of 'easy' subjects. Of course that wasn't enough to get any graduation, since one needs to finish that dreaded first year, the prop. Figures.

Job? Yeah right. Couldn't get my mind wrapped around doing/working on the same darn thing for more than 3 or 4 months every day.
Okay, I'm High Sensitive, now I know, but so what?! I guess doing something for a longer period of time just for some income, is not enough to survive.

Study again. I LOVE learning new stuff. It keeps me alive. But it would be nice to have something in my hands that sort of proves that I did it. And that I can do it. Once in a while that would be nice. But nooo. Every time I did hit some test or exam, I just blocked. Failed. Or just got the minimum. Not that I didn't know more, or could barely do whatever was needed. It just didn't come out when needed.
I still have the samen when people ask me things I do really know. I just block. Don't know how to say it, is the least problem. Usually I just don't know it anymore. After some hours, I exactly know it again. Even where it can be found, in what book, almost on what page.
Darn.

I don't know anymore where it started to come back a little. Some exams I did during a study theology, were downright brilliant (duh). The exams for the first course Kynology (yeah, about dogs) were also very good. (I skipped the exams for the second course: that was an oral exam. No chance I would find the words)

Now I'm working on some other exams, but this time there is no time-pressure. I am allowed to finish what I have to do (sewing, drawing fashion designs, embroidering) in peace. Of course when the exam is there, I have to finish some drawing, miniature making and sewing on the spot, but the assignments I have been working on, need just be displayed.

Of course, these days, since December, to be honest, I am fighting a burnout. So. No pressure allowed. At all. And I do fall into the habbit of drawing pressure to myself: I just have to do all different kinds of things, all at the same time, and all have to be perfect. I can't say 'no'.
It is so darn hard to crash and just keep on lying down.
Crashed.

Friesians, by Cally Matherly, 2005

I just need to come back on my feet myself!
I don't need help.
I don't want help.
I am ashamed that I can't do it myself.
It's SO hard to ask for help.
Especially when everybody else had the habbit to ask ME for help, the whole 30-many years of my life I helped others. Yeah, I am one of those pastor-helper-incarnate. I run alongside the ones who need me. Since birth.

This is going to take a little longer than the 6 months to a year they predicted as the 'usual' term to recover...

My 'shrink' and all the others who know, told my I am only allowed to do the things I like... So I told them that they don't want to know how many things I like, no even love to do... Then they told me I should only do the things that give me energy. So now I'm trying to figure that out.

I skipped work. I skipped meetings. I skipped volunteering for whatever. I skipped sundayservices in our church. I skipped art. I skipped music.
Now I feel dead.
At least I feel. That's new...

So I started music again: playing saxophone! (our youngest daughter just started to play the trumpet, so I play along ;) )
And I started art again: airbrushing! (today!)
And I will start singing again: lessons start in 3 weeks!

Maybe I will start living again...
in some time...
a long time...
patience...

It's been some time...

... a long time...

without writing
without living almost
just running around, organizing, do meetings, do stuff, do too much
attending schools, talking myself back into my old school to finish it, planning workshops, doing courses
racing the kids around their school, sports, music, friends

leaving the kitchen and lots of housholding to my husband...

that should have been a sign

but no.

So. Now I need to recover. And some friends who've been there and got the t-shirt, my coaches and my shrink tell me I need to write. Anything.
That rang a bell. I was always dreaming about writing. Books. Poems. Songs. Maybe this is a good way to start that dream up again. But like the old engine, I need lubrication first...

They tell me, it will pass, I will recover, but it will cost me, time...
... a long time...

They told me I will change...
for the good I pray

But give it some time...
... a long time...

How I would love to do some more photographing...

I have dreams....

About all kinds of stuff...
people...
situations...
flying...

Occasionally there are dreams about me, hunting for pictures.
In the city. In nature. In homes. In public buildings.
Urban Exploring.

From objects. From animals. From people. From situations.
On the move.

All on my own.
Maybe with someone I love.

I would love to.


Once in a while I enter some sweepstakes to win a camera, with or without lenses or flashlights or whatever gear... (like this one: http://bit.ly/Yy93VY ), and in this last one, I would choose for the Nikon, of course, I can use a new body ... ... ...

Sounds 'funny', that last sentence...


Maybe I feel that way non the less. I can use a new body... a new spirit... a new me.
?
This old one is burned out.

But then again, the new needs to fit the gear that surrounds me. Like the Nikon-body needs to fit my lenses and other photo-stuff. Otherwise there's a misfit and I will get the constant pop-up: 'are you sure?', 'rebooting system', 'searching for new driver'...

and ultimately: 'fatal error occurred', with a 'need to restart'... Darn! Again?!

Is there a way to sort of restore the old?
Not to restart, but to freshly go on where I stranded?
Take off where I landed?

I don't fly that well without silver wings. So I stranded. Somewhere in some old cornfield or so. Lost.

Can I grow those silver wings?
Or can I believe again in flying... without those...
just on willpower...
on faith...
on love...

trusting in nature
in God
in people
in me

is that possible?
?

facebook badge...

Isn't it cool: I just added a facebook badge for my profile and it says: "status: none".

Well, there. I'm back on Earth. And I'm not even an 'asylum seeker without a status' (as we have some of, in The Netherlands), I just don't have any status. Or maybe I see it blurred... I have the status 'none'. YEY!

What's 'none'? Something to choose, or something to be given, or something to earn?? Who decides? Who knows...

I know I do have a status at home, and according to my dogs. But maybe facebook doesn't follow the consensus. What status does facebook have? According to me, that is. Or is a status something that is to be formed by the community? Facebook can have the status 'addiction'. Some should go cold turkey with it. Some should go cold turkey with the whole typing thing... or anything with screens...

Facebook connects people. Status 'connector'. And so non-selfish it is! It knows everything from everybody, although it is not sharing all the information. Status 'secret service'.

There's a add that tells you how old you look on your profile picture... who decides?! I'll get me another profile pic, my 2 dogs or so, from behind.

The profile picture isn't 'an profil' at all, by theway. Giving away no profile. Fits to the 'none' status.

I have a brainwave!

"Status: none" is only applicable when not having anybody around. So when you are just you. Where you can FINALLY be yourself. Alone. No status because there is nobody to compare with. No community. Facebook is no community. It's just you. A lone statue on an own pedestal. I know some people who think they are. And I know some people who are sure they should be. And some people who think they are not, but are wrong.

Or isstatussomething you are, not in comparison to others? Then the world of statuses would be easy, and everybody would agree. Because it's a status quo. No status none.

So what's all the fuss with hierarchy then?! No change of status possible, so no change of status allowed.

I'll always stay status none. According to Facebook.

I love me.

Finally...

;)

Starting a new year

Although there's the new start of another new year, of course I did take some legacy with me, especially from the last month.

Erysipelas, one definition I found says: "Erysipelas (Greek erusipelas - red skin) (also known as Ignis sacer, Holy fire and St. Anthony's fire) is an acute streptococcus bacterial infection of the dermis, resulting in inflammation." (wiki) The translation program I use says: it's "an acute, spreading, febrile disease characterized by inflammation of the skin, subcutaneous tissues and mucous membranes, due to infection of the lymph spaces of the corium and underlying parts by Streptococcus erysipelatis."

Now I know what that is, looks and feels like in real life. Death creeping up your foot. Thank God for penicillin, otherwise the disease would have a new name by now: St. Diana's fire.

The legacy is still some skin peeling off my foot, and something not quite right with the blood going back up.

(nope, won't put in some horror pics)

Anatomy. The lessons to get us sports masseuses to know what we are moulding, are finally leading up to the climax: exams. In some two weeks.

Next thing to study: physiology. Cells and molecules, what food and movement is doing to those structures. The smaller the more fun.

Organisations. Some organisation we almost started to trust, just got back to us and we feel like the sign - watch out: hidden agenda! - is burning red like hell. Is that what you get when you just search for a tribe? Hidden agenda's and distrust. Feels like the CIA or so.

Another one is trying to get down to the basics, by talking the same talk year after year. They want to build bridges between us and them, that is, we need to build bridges. But different ones we did build ourselves for years. Apparently our way is not theirs. Maybe we still drive on the right side and they drive on the left side... or upside down. That same talk year after year looks like copy-paste, with the desire to get things over with, heal the problems, come closer to each other.

Isn't the definition of madness, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting to help and get results this time?

Small living place. Now it's getting me. Hunting me down, it feels like. I just NEED space. To watch. To run through. To think. To live. Not so much order, or whatever stuff sorted out, everything and everybody is overwhelming me right now. Seeing and feeling everything does. My mind looks like a racetrack without an end, and without a direction. My physical and mental ears thunder like big freight trucks running by or like an earthquake. The physical and spiritual eyes God gave me just hurt like watching too long television in a room full of smoke.

God. Yeah, He's there. Still.

High Sensitivity II

Well, I started to accept and work WITH it.

After I did a workshop about HSP's, I discovered that I am not the only freak out there, and that the coach is having the same sympthoms as I have...
We are High Sensitive Sensation Seekers and it's only that we don't look like eachother at all from the outside, otherwise we could have been sisters. Twins maybe even, but that's something I'm going to find out next friday and beyond:

We are about to do some coaching sessions together, and see what's coming out for me.

Think of me, and maybe pray for some light on this subject.

High Sensitivity

- I posted this on a Dutch community site this week in the morning, maybe it's interesting to try to translate -


I've always known it, I feel and see and notice lots more details than many others around me. That's the life of an art lover, I used to think. 'Maybe I should become an artist or something', but no, that was at my study age not done: a smart girl prepares for her future (and chooses something technology)! Well then, I was going to do technology, because I was smart too. Music, drawing and dancing and such, that was fun for hobby, addition to life, but you're not that crazy that you expect to let that determine your income. Heck no, imagine you should fill you entire day with something as shabby as that.

Wouldn't it be just WONDERFUL! Being blessed with the ability to do your art... and doing it for whole days too! and weekends, and evenings, and holidays ...
Imagine you doing what you don't even want to do as a hobby, but then for all the freakin' working days you have... then you're pretty sour. And in case you are a High Sensitive Person, you slowly but surely seem to sink in the swamp of burn-out.

In case you're highly sensitive to moods and atmospheres, then you get the idea ... I am somewhat irritated, cynical and such, and especially pleased that I seem to be stuck in the burning swamp, and that the escape lies primarily in yet a number of years to finish what I started, because loose ends are also dead ends...

Should I drop some intellectual stuff, and just dig with my hands in the mud, in the paint, hands full of brushes, or ready to plaster, or at my instruments, or massage the muscles of others?? Just a year or so to recover mentally and emotionally, crafts, friends, nature, doesn't that look like heaven?
And after that start again, with renewed energy but with reflection time built in, for example?

Finally, wouldn't it be wonderful to do something with the gifts that I have hidden somewhere in being highly sensitive... to help others, because I can sense virtually everything: hidden agendas, feelings, emotions, blockages, solutions... and because I can see things that others apparently do not see, but still should consider using: emotional, mental, spiritual ...


Well, you out there, accept it: I'm a freak for real.

Now I have to still accept it, or be locked away, safely away.

Hey y'all, we're 6 now!

Surprise surprise, we got a new familymember!!

Here's the story:
May was the most busy month I can remember, sertainly from this school-year. Not only because we were 'out', I had a big school subject to finish (Early Church History), I had to rethink the how-and-what about the Winteracademy (arts/painting classes, 3 weekends: Februari, March, April), we as a couple attended the Staff Candidate Orientation Course from Christian Associates International, but we also had to deal with major mindset changes.... -grrrroovy- (have in mind the voice of Jim Carrey)
Of course all this stuff (being out, exams, evaluation, course) is stored somewhere in the mind untill there is a little time to reflect, and of course we were way too busy to have that reflection time.
Result: June is the sorry-ass month: the freaky-spots-decease that did hit the school of the kids, spread around our little family. Debora got the red sports first (we thought it to be a sort of sun allergy), Salome had some little red spots like very tiny pimples first, then this week she had the same red spots as Debora, and Jonathan developped the same little red spots Salome had at first... Accompanied by running noses, some sore throat, some ear pain, not too bad, but very very tired. Of course the adults were just tired, and we felt all very sorry for ourselves.


So, let's go on with the part that started the whole mindset stuff: our little 2 week trip to the northern part of Scotland: Freswick Castle, in the town of Freswick. (okay, need to do a different post about just that!) Our new friends overthere, Monique Sliedrecht and Murray Watts share our dreams and we agreed sort of to help eachother to make those dreams real (thrilling!). (yeah, deserves another different post)
Our dear 'daddy-in-crime' Murray has a lovely dog named Tiffy, and Jonathan, who is usually very affraid of dogs, even liked her.... so... as soon as we were home again, he started asking for a dog. Salome, our little model, agreed, and of course Debora agreed too, because she likes all kinds of adventures. That's where the adventure really started.....

We started searching the internet (thanks to all kinds of clubs, societies and wikipedia) and soon found out that the dog I loved to have all my reading life: The BORSOI, would fit our little family.
I found the one and only "Barsoi-club" in The Netherlands, searched their whole website, found some well known breeders, and found out that there was a breeder who just had had a litter in March! Parents were the most beautifull daddy Drachan and mommy Zadira, and they are both also soft and lovely. What to wish for more? But of course March was already long gone, so I supposed the littleones were long gone too.
Long story short: I send her an email, asked some questions, she answered right back, invited us to the club day with some shows, and of course to come and have a coffea (yeah), to get to know the Pagranitsjniki-family of 6 grown-up Borsois and 8 welps... So, we did dive right in, and especially Jonathan had his first close contact with the big aristocratic breed of the Barsoi. Salome was litteraly facing the huge dogs, and loved them immediately. Jonathan didn't even hide and took only a very slight detour to go where he wanted, by himself... Debora just loved it all, wanted to walk some of the dogs and stroked the ones who were very nice. My hubby and I were just watching the kids, the dogs, and the community around it. We loved it. We even felt accepted. Everyone knew us because we were some of the rare guests and we came with the 5 of us.
There was 1 beautifull white female for sale still, she was one of the best 'build' Barsoi welps of the litter and the breeder wasn't sure yet which bitch she would keep, the beautifull white one or her sister. Breeder and sister made the best connection and we and the white one became family. But, we made a deal: in case our beauty was good to breed with, we would give her back to the breeder for getting at least one litter with her. So now she is co-owned by us and the Pagranitsjniki breeder.

So, we're 6 now: our white Barsoi-lady is called Chaika, which means 'white seagull' in Russian, because the Borsoi is the Russian Wolfhound/Greyhound. She is an aristocrat, very cuddly, lovely. She loves us and we love her. Up to adventure!

Back to the swing of things

Yeah, we did all survive Christmas (and the food did taste as good as it looked in the pic's in the blog before this one) ;-D so now the normal life is back in full power, with some extras added...

Studying theology is a source of happiness, new things, thoughts, getting to know God's ways better, receiving stuff enough to be present in any discussion... These days are filled with Early Church History, so I'm very into reading the Apostolic Fathers and Eusebius' Church history. Does that time look like this time!

Last weekend we had a seminar about social justice, with Carl Raschke. He was our guest for one night, and we had lots of good talks... to be continued for sure. And, oh my, a good friend of ours is photographer, and he was assigned to take some official pictures of Carl (for a Christian opinion magazine), but after the photoshoot with Carl, he announced that there was time for others to get a little photoshoot too.... -sigh- ... and of course our oldest daughter got me that far... I was in FRONT of the camera to get my face pictured in a serious way (not the freaky things that they accept on passports ;-d) ... for the first time of my adult life... My goodness, was that scary, but after some time I just saw some lens, and my grinn was not that unsure anymore...

Music is a little too much behind: need to finish my introduction course to the part time Conservatoir I'm involved with... my poor sax is hiding behind some dust... just like my piano... and drums... and flute... -sigh- .... even singing is not as much a relaxing thing as it is stressfull... What is that? I used to live on music, and now it's 'too much work' for crying out loud. But, as a lovely teacher of mine always says: "For several artists there is a season for everything, and you have the seasons more strictly seperated than others" So I guess I'm not in the music season then.

Painting is going strong! I did organize the Winteracademy (part of the Christian Artists Union in The Netherlands), and the first weekend was a succes! The new way of doing this course is getting some attention now, so next year will be even more succesfull. The only thing is, though, that I am not allowed to advertise with the course in my own church... too bad I still don't know the painters in our church, so how do I find them then??

Our little group of arts students is happy with the initiative to get them together, talk about life issues and work together on some project or so. They are lovely, kids, in to anything, and vague ;-D so next time there will be more to feed and welcome in our home.

Just church is not what it's supposed to be. The emphasize is on coming to the sunday service. No community stuff. Not able to talk about that too.
I'm dying in there.
So now it's time for the last options to keep the relationship alive.
I feel like trying to stay, because it is a group of people that doesn't have much in common, just the sunday services (two of them). I know there are people suffering from that, not knowing how to change it other than walk away, to protect themselves from spiritually dying. I know there are spiritual gifts among the members of our church, that are not being used for the benefit of others, just because there is NO WAY of talking about it, let alone help eachother with learning it. I know there are artists among us and they don't know how to be the christian artist they want to be without hiding in their own homes, stating their art is just a 'hobby'.

But for me it's time for the last options. I'm slowly dying spiritually. It's in the final stages.

control-freak

A typical pilot; that's what I am.
I'm a control freak.
I never want to give the control out of my hands, into other human hands.
There's only One Who is allowed and able to get 'my' controls: He's the chief pilot.

Maybe this is the time in my life where He is teaching me not only to be a better co-pilot in my life, but also to see and accept the fact that there are way more people on Earth that are better co-pilots than just me. And that I need them too.
Because we're not just flying the plane, but also sailing the boat of life, and sailing a huge boat is done with lots and lots of people and equipment.

I try to learn that life is not about flying alone.
It's about sailing, working together, because you simply are not able to do all things in life everywhere at the same time and in the best way. Others are given to fill my gaps, and I am given to others to fill their gaps. That's team-work. Community.

My flight instructor (http://www.christianwings.org/) taught me to be very self confident, almost arrogant, because the minute you question your abilities, you fail in the challenging task that is before you. But also: the minute you become arrogant, you take too much risk, and fail that task the other way. A matter of life or death.
He was so right.



It's all about trust.
In yourself.
In others.
In the Captain.





Confidence comes when you know who you are, they say. Or when you accomplish something, or get a degree, or when others accept you. Most of us people seek acceptance, from other seekers.
We don't have too search: acceptance is ours, from the Captain Himself for crying out loud!
Why is it that we keep on searching?
Because knowing is not enough?! We need to feel it too. Feel that the steering wheel is still moving after we lift our hands to really give the controls away. We need to feel to discover that we weren't steering in the first place, just holding the joke: to feel what it should be like: keeping track.



I'm slowly learning again to look around to rediscover the scenery.

(check out http://www.bush-planes.com/ where I got some of these pic's from!)

(this post was planned to be posted somewhere in Spring, but got delayed due to me getting my picture to be scanned....)

SMAC JULY 2007

Now this is something I longed for for years, and you know what? This year was the 10th anniversary of SMAC..... I just didn't look in the right direction. Reminds me of my conversation with God: He keeps on talking to me, but I just don't listen in the right direction. Happy me: I found some who dared to talk about their walk with God, so I could learn. My first learning happened within our YwaM-DTS student-team, and my second step in the learning process was during SMAC.

SMAC stands for Schloss Mittersill Arts Conference. The organizers loved it so much, that they want to go on for some other decades: THANK YOU, I love you, and I'll be coming there for ever! - that was a between brackets remark -

SMAC 2007 was my first conference with all Christians and just the arts: visual as in painting, drawing, 3D-art, film, drama and musical as in choir and percussion (the musical arrangement workshop had just 2 workshoppers, and we were send to the choir and percussion.... well, see you next year Martin M. (site in Austrian(!) and English) or maybe I'll go on with the percussion-workshop-year-two) and of course lots'a talkin'. We learned a lot about how to use art to get to the basics of live, to give others the opportunity to catch a little about the believe we have, and that Christian art has nothing to do with painting crosses or doves all the time. I learned some new rhythms from our groovin' and funny teacher Willi P. (with an Austrian website to be build, but it has at least his picture) and got to know lots of new friends! And of course (important for the percussionist in me) that 'Sing a NEW song' really does mean a NEW song. Not something old in a new jacket, although it is by then much better to digest.

The NEW in making a song is appealing to me, because I tend to write poetry sometimes: what's the difficulty of applying all the rules of songwriting workshops I had??? 'Just do it', I hear in my head. Those new jackets apply for me just to Scripture. All other old things to be made shiny again, have more to do with old wine in new wine-bags. I have a big thing in my head that could be the framework of something musical: turn the Psalms and other Scripture verses into something that can be sung in the churches. But also has potential of being used in praise-and-worship nights, or concerts of rock bands (like ours, nope, no website yet ;-D). And the best part: write that much music to it, that it makes a philharmonic orchestra sound good.... ..... ..... ..... okay, needs lots of education for me.... But hey: sometimes we need a good, big, far away goal, to remind us of our God Who is never too small, although He is too often thought of that way!! My God is bigger than my dreams, so I'll just pray, and find that Conservatory (too bad: just Dutch site) that loves to teach me after I finished my Bible school (thinkin' international, but still a Dutch site) ...

Oh, and SMAC even awakened my painting and drawing skills, and gave me the opportunity to take lots of pictures to put somewhere on my (future) websites and in my portfolio to get some freelance jobs as a starting photographer... with the Department of Agriculture in the Netherlands for instance ;-D (always start dreaming big ?)

Now I just need some more time, like 72 hours in one day or so... maybe I should teach myself to work 4 times as hard as I do now... ???

REFLECTION

Some dear friends of us (they are like a mom and dad to me) loved to see the pictures and hear the stories of our adventures at DTS 2006 and SMAC 2007, and they are not believers in Christ. That made me wonder: how could I use my arts to show them the love of Christ for them???? They already know the church-stories about believing, heaven and hell, and lots of traditions. They rejected that.

They've known me for all my life, and I love them so dearly, and still I have not been able to get to their hearts with the Good Message, and it's hurting me!

"Oh Lord, may all the dreams you gave and will give me, comfort, strengthen or affirm others, and may they even lead to salvation of some,
may my second-parents Jan & Hilda be among them, even better: be the first ones to come to You....

AMEN"

pride, prejudice and predestination?

My son got placed in a box. He is the tallest of his class, he just had his first half year of school, he is a typical wait-and-watch kind 'a guy, and he's very sensitive.
So, with all this ingredients, his teacher asked me one day if we managed to get him to the street dance lessons where we took a look once. Yeah, because he's a tall guy and he's a little different and slow in his moving skills, she said, but, hey, that's something that's more often the case with those long people.

Well, we are all long people in both our families, and we have a history of all very strong people in my part of the family. We are tall and slender, not the bigger kind with big hands and stuff. And we are all very good in fine moving skills: fine arts and the aim and shoot bulls eye kind of things. No clumsy person around (except for the glasses of chocolate milk that get launched once in a wile, but hey: all under-five-year-old's have that problem sometimes). Predestination.
And that's Jonathan too. On top of that: the teacher got by the time she made the remark, three times to check his moving skills, and after some time he got 'the moves' and was faster than the rest, because he has long legs and loves dancing. Conclusion: he is tall, a little shy, very sensitive, so he must have problems with big and small moves. -sigh- Prejudice.
So here comes my maternal instinct: my little baby is growing up to be a big guy, and I'm proud of that! He's just as sensitive as I am, as his big sis is, and as the other ones in the world who are not being understood by most other parts of that same world.

Would he suffer just like me, from his sensitivity? Predestination?
Would he turn into something he is not, because of expectations outside himself? Prejudice? Why does that have to start this early?
Would he one day find himself back in the arms of His Creator and finally know his destination, his only audience of One, his personality, again? With Pride?

I pray that he is allowed to discover the prejudice-part lots later than my hubby and I did.
I pray that he is allowed to discover the predestination-part and especially that last part a little more early than we did.


Amen.

Why is the time always gone...

nope, I wasn't dying the past some months

on the contrary:

* praying about how to end my school (dutch site): with a masters? first 2 centuries? linked with post-modern 21 century? involving the one and only communications-area that seems to be relevant in a individualistic society that's dying to know how to express themselves without getting overheated..... ? yep: ARTS! (maybe I can make a PhD out of that ;-D - as I hear some rockin' freaks yell: 'dream on! you're fooling yourself, so dream on!' (Nazareth, yeah, I know, bad me, I can't help it, I just heard that phrase in my head))

* trying to get the meaning of several dreams I had: finding a cure for me, a cream, a text, a Zoo; taking cover in a ditch, getting up in the middle of a fight and remember my destiny, be in charge of a castle/fortress, defend it with 'my' army (intriguing)



* recovering fast from our F-DTS experience: a week of Joseph Avakian in the last lecturephase of the Creative-DTS in Aalesund, lots and lots of meetings with students, staff, board, directors in Norway and the leaders of the LPC course in Restenas Sweden -> experiencing the good of YwaM (the bad and ugly have a place now, they're eaten and digested - yaharrrr)



* elected to be board member for our choir 'Sjofar' (dutch site) (okay, okay, I am the naive rookie.... let's keep it that way ;-D)


* trying to find out what's the best way to build networks in the European/World artist community, if that community even exists.... and found out that there will be a conference (6-14 of July) in Mittersill, Austria, that's exactly what we had in mind (musicians, visual artists, teachings, workshops, yummm); so now I just have to figure out the cheapest way to go there....


... and of course in the first place: trying to raise our kids in a place they can call 'home': where the 5 of us are together; raise them to be the best warriors in Gods army He made them to be; raise them to see the good, bad and ugly in the world, to support the good, work on the bad, and transform the ugly, especially in the Earthly part of Gods Kingdom so that the rest of the world has no reason at all to point fingers!
And we want to teach our god given miracles in the knowledge that the only haven they can trust is Gods, and that we as parents try to represent that the best we can.




Everyday we start with the last part, usually I quit too early, try to make a little bit of all the rest, and still I ask myself 'Why's the time always gone..?' ;-D

Free??

Last week I was still surprised that I felt free after a comment somebody made. Of course it wasn't 'just' somebody: this was somebody I deeply respect and love, someone who taught me important aspects of life, someone who would always search for the best for me, and will love me no matter what.

Isn't it strange? I have known that person all my life, I know that person's intentions, I know that person's heart, I listened to everything that person said, I thought, and I believed it. But apparently I didn't do anything with it that should impact my 'status'. Knowing that person didn't reflect in my everyday life. I still was bound and felt it that way, the older I got. Even after growing up (more or less) and setting my own rules, I thought, finding my own way in life, I thought. I held my rules and ways to the Light to let that shine through, but still I was bound. Apparently.

Because now I feel free. Almost completely free. Like a heavy burden falling from my shoulders. Knowing the fact that you are free is apparently something different than getting the exact words that tell that you are free.

I'm free!
There's no one on this Earth with the right to question me.
I have just an audience of One!
That One is most important.

Luckily for the 'little' ones around me, the BIG One told me to be really good and stuff, so that no one on this Earth could tell something about me that could fit in the newest tabloids. Okay, even better, that everybody could only speak good about me, and praise my Creator.

Right!
Let's try that again.
Coming on steam slowly, but surely; maybe one day I will be a really useful steam engine (although I prefer red, in stead of blue)

(thanx to my kids and Robbymac who remind me of those freakin' steam engines on the most strange times and in the most strange places)

Burn-out

I didn't listen to my own advice
didn't renew my decorations
did stare only to the old ones
kept on staring

My body is hurt
my mind is chaos
my emotions are exploding
my feelings are numb

I have a spirit
somewhere
but it's solid

I have courage
somewhere
but it's hidden

I have words
somewhere
without sound

I have music
somewhere
but it's silent

I have the Spirit
somewhere
I have the Messiah
somewhere
I have the Father
somewhere

He is holding me

X-mas tree for life

Just before the old closes, we started something new.
I love starting something new. And I love making it perfect.
-ah well, whatever-

We redecorated and rearranged our living room stuff: right after the last 'Sinterklaas' -giving-gifts-to-the-kids evening, we build up our fake X-mas tree, rearranged every couch and table, and put the freakin' tree in a corner of the room. The kids did a wonderful job hanging all kinds of fabric and plastic decoration materials in the lower parts of the tree. That's to prevent the glass-thing from getting grabbed by our 1.5-year old when you're not paying attention.... Especially Cd's that don't work anymore are beloved tree-hanging-things.
The top-part is my dominion: glass my-first-Xmas balls for all our kids (3), old nostalgic decoration material I got from my mom and cards with prayers or scriptures.

Why on Earth do we want a tree in the house? To hang it full with lights and glass? My goodness.
And if it's better for your health to have a non-asthma-inducing thing, we have a fake tree for crying out loud.

I love the little lights. I love candles. I love bling-bling. So cosy. We have a word for that: gezellig. That's unable to translate in English, but it has the feeling of such a decorated tree. Sitting next to it with a mug full of hot chocolate, a little fire in the fireplace. Together with soul mates.


It's time again to rethink life. To organize a reflection moment, or better, reflection day, or even better, reflection week. To get your mind empty. To listen. To talk to God. And listen again. For a long time. Reading His Word. Singing. Playing music. Listening to music. Be quiet. That kind of reflection. What your life is all about. What's your goal. What's the way to get there. Who is going to walk with you, help you, be with you. Redecorating. Rearranging the whole living. Turning it into something worth living for again. Knowing where to go for, and go for it.
We have time again to put some little lights in our life, all around.
We should decorate our life again, with something new, with something shiny, with something old that gives good memories, with something broken to laugh about, with some things that are unable to break.
But all your life decorations should be things that you love. That make you smile when you look at it, and that makes you want to look at it. You'll see: even others are trying to catch a glimpse of your tree-of-life, and others are going to love to look at it, learn from it.

Life is made to be happily lived.
Ever after.

Back in Business

That is, the slow come-back of health in our family's life is finally giving me time to give it out again. To examns on sociology. To music. To buying presents.

In the Netherlands we have a sort of competition between mr. Sint (saint) Nicolaas aka mr. Sinterklaas and his name-brother mr. Santa Claus. The first is celebrating his birthday (dec.6) on the day he passed away (dec.5) some hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and the second is his flown over ghost in the new world.
Because the real saint Nicolas was rich and as a bishop of Myra (Turkey), had christian tendencies to give it away, we also give presents to eachother. And maybe because Nicolas was a bishop, giving good advice to everybody, we write some poems that go with sertain presents, to give good advice too. Or to tell somebody in a subtile manner that he/she could do something typical a little different next time.... Whatever.
The Netherlands seem to be the only country in the world that is celebrating this event, why that is, I have no idea. It's a nice ocasion though to organize a feast with typical Dutch pastry!
(for recipies, e-mail me ;-D)

Nowadays the ghost of Sinterklaas is called back to the Netherlands by king Media, and together both Sinterklaas and Santa Claus are in service of the ruler of lifes; queen Spender.
The Sinterklaas-hype starts usually around october with all kinds of pastry in the stores, and all kinds of offers from all kinds of stores. It's a nice ocasion to get to know your citycenter updates. At the end of november the first glassballs and X-mas-green-stuff can be found in the stores. (to give at a present at Sinterklaas maybe?) Than we give bigtime attention to the celebration itself on december the fifth, or the weekend after or even better, more than once: first time mom and dad are playing Sinterklaas and giving presents, later grandpa and grandma are playing Sinterklaas. Result: a full-house, and kids with too much to play with.
Than somewhere 'round december sixth the X-mas hype starts big time. And the whole mediacircus is starting all over again to try to get your last money out of the house. And you know what? the Dutch kids are loving presents under a tree in the house also.

The power of money. The power of greed. The power of connecting 'giving presents' with 'love and real communication and celebrating life together'.

And inbetween we have something with a little baby who was the biggest King ever and after life on Earth, turned into a richer biggest King/Man ever. Try to explane that. To the world. To your kids.

a very little one

Hi !!
BIG news:
My little brother just got his first child!!
Pictures will follow as soon as I have the chance to take one or two (we will try to visit them this afternoon, and I'll have my picturetaker with me...)